


Like a Lotus

by borrowedlight



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angels Memorial, Doctor - Freeform, F/M, Family, Grief, Guilt, Love, Past, Romance, Willish, life - Freeform, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-18 02:18:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12378834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedlight/pseuds/borrowedlight
Summary: Leanne has come a long way since the accident. Though she's found what it's like to both live and love again, feelings from the past remind her what a struggle it can be to live life guilt-free.





	1. Chapter 1

“Marry me.”

Leanne lifted her head from Ethan’s bare chest. Her hazel eyes catching the slight grin on his face before settling on his oceanic blues. Leaning away from him slightly, she pulled the sheet that was covering them both close to cover her her bare chest. 

She looked down at the white sheets, running her palm over the mellowed wrinkles beneath her hand. “Ethan, we’ve talked about this.” She mumbled quietly.

Ethan dropped his head and shook it a little, “I know, I know we did. I’m sorry.” He went to continue but stopped short and reached his hand out slipping it down the side of her face. “I just love you so much and...” he trailed off.

“And you shouldn’t need to see a ring on my finger to know that I am yours.” She tilted her head and raised her brow, her lips parted with a smile. She had thrown her tousled hair to one side and her makeup was still in tact from earlier in the day. She was gorgeous, glowing almost, and he didn’t understand how someone could possess such beauty every second of every day.

Ethan pursed his lips and bit the inside of his right cheek. He decided not to take the conversation any further, it was a mistake to have even brought it up in the first place. He didn’t want the conversation to manifest into the same outcome it had so many times before -- in an argument. He just wondered, silently of course, if Leanne would ever say yes.

Leanne grabbed the side of his face. “Hey--” she said almost at a whisper. 

He looked up at her and smiled with one side of his mouth. 

Leanne moved to closer to him, lifting her leg before climbing on top of him and letting herself once again sink down into his embrace. The warmth of his body was both inviting and comforting. She tucked her head under his chin and rested one of her arms at his side and the other by her face on his chest. She could hear his heart beating, it was slow and calm. Ethan’s arms wrapped her small frame, his hands resting in the hollow of her back - his fingertips dancing with the dips of her spine. Leanne’s fingers ran the rise and fall of his pectoral muscle, circling around the area of his nipple, her eyes contently settled in the same area.

“I am yours, and you…” She trailed off. “You are mine. Okay?” She picked up her head to look at him. Her hazels reflecting nothing but love for him. “There is no other place I would rather be.”

He paused for a moment before he teased her chin towards his, indicating that he wanted to kiss her. Holding her close, he pushed her bottom lip slightly above his own before she separated their connection with her tongue, running it slowly across his upper lip. Ethan hummed at this and brought his hands up her back and to the soft sides of her face. He held her back for a moment, taking the time to look into her calm mellow eyes. The two of them sat there, noses touching, looking into each other’s eyes. They took turns switching from one eye to the other before Ethan set their lips on a collision course once again. His hands moved from the side of her face back to her rib cage, where Ethan took the opportunity to cup one of her breasts. Gasping at his touch, she tilted her head to the side as Ethan moved from her mouth to the skin just below her earlobe. The act was short lived before Ethan leaned forward, placed a hand just above Leanne’s bottom, and flipped her onto her back. Starting back at her neck, Ethan’s lips traveled down her chest before settling in between her breasts. Trailing his lips to the side, he slipped one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking it softly and exploring it’s natural ridges. Leanne arched her back and parted her mouth letting out a seductive huff - Ethan smiled as he had realized that this happened every time he did this. Switching to the other breast he ran his hand down the side of her body where he grasped her thigh, squeezing a little as she drove her fingers down his back. Leanne brought her hand to the side of his rough whiskery face and brought him back up to her mouth. Settling her hands on his bottom, Ethan pressed his lower half against her causing her to emit a low husky moan. The two of them teased each other like this for a while before Ethan slowly and gently slipped himself inside of her. The two of them rocked and whispered to each other breathlessly as they made love the way they had so many times before, relishing in the physical rhythms of their bodies.

\--

Leanne was rummaging around the break room grabbing herself a cup of coffee before her shift started. Things had been in such a rush this morning that she hadn’t even gotten the chance to make a pot of coffee before leaving the house. Leanne went to reach for the milk in the fridge when a slight dizzy spell cause her to stop what she was doing. Placing a hand on the side of her temple, she furrowed her brow and closed her eyes. Ethan had walked in right at that very moment seeing Leanne’s body sway.

“Hey, babe. You okay?” He rested a hand on the small of her back.

She had been feeling lightheaded all morning but refused to call in sick knowing that the feeling would pass. Her body had been sending her clues that menopause was moving in. She hadn’t had her period in months and her mother struggled with these same dizzy spells when she too was going through the change.

Shaking the feeling off, she nodded to Ethan and walked back to her cup of coffee. She seemed fine so he shrugged it off and followed closely behind. “Hey, so I brought you a banana. I know your stomach has been a little squirrely lately and that you didn’t get the chance to grab a bite before we left this morning…I hope this is okay.” He opened up her hand and placed the yellow fruit in her palm.

She turned to him and smiled, “It’s perfect and you’re sweet. Thank you.” Leanne rolled onto the balls of her feet and leaned in to kiss him. Peeling the fruit, Leanne began to eat it when Ethan’s pager began going off.

“Ah, that’s Carly.” He shoved the beeper back in his pocket before looking up at puzzled Leanne.

“Carly with the inflamed appendix?”

“Yeah that’s the one. They won’t quit paging me, something must be going on.” He looked back down at the beeper. “Gotta run, babe.” He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before turning towards the door.

Leanne tilted her head in sympathy, “Poor girl. I’ll talk to you later.” She mumbled covering her mouth, half chewing and half talking.

Ethan turned back and smiled before he ran down the hall to centre stage. Leanne swallowed the last of her banana, throwing out the peel before she picked up her coffee and began moving in the same direction as Ethan had just left. Forgetting her key card, she turned around to go retrieve it but within seconds, the back of her head tightened and the room began to spin again. Dropping her coffee on her feet she jumped back as the scalding hot liquid leaked into her shoes. 

“Shit.”

She backed into the countertop and waited there until the dizziness ceased. Frowning, she grabbed the mop out of the far corner and brought it over to the brown puddle on the ground. Jesse walked in halfway through her mop job and raised a brow. 

“Trust me when I say you look hotter as a doctor than you do as a hospital janitor. Stick with your day job.”

Leanne rolled her eyes and shook her head before swaying to the side again. Jesse lurched over to her as fast as he could and grabbed her elbow. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You okay?” He looked her up and down. “Daddy?”

Leanne’s eyes were closed and she had subconsciously grabbed onto Jesse’s arm for balance. “Yeah I just…” She swallowed. “I just spilt some coffee.”

“No, I meant what happened just now? I know you’re clumsy. You spilling coffee? Yeah, it happens like every day.”

Leanne winced as another wave came and went. When she came to she realized she had been clenching onto Jesse’s sleeve to the point where her knuckles were white. She turned to him for brief moment before he dropped his chin and raised a brow almost as if he were attempting to diagnose her.

“Are you okay? I need to know if you’re stroking out or something.” Jesse groused. 

She blinked a couple times before responding, “I’m fine. I just uh…” She shook her head a little. “I’ve just been having these weird dizzy spells lately. It’s gotta be menopause, my mom had the same thing… then again I could have the flu or something because my stomach hasn’t been 100% either.”

“I don’t like the sounds of that. Maybe you should take the day off?”

Leanne frowned at him, letting go of his sleeve. “Don’t be ridiculous Jesse.” She handed him the mop and walked out of the room completely avoiding the conversation. She knew he wouldn’t let up.

Jesse walked out into the hall after her. “Oh I see, so now I’m the new janitor...” He shouted after her. “Jokes on you! I like cleaning up other people’s messes! Hence why I became a nurse!” She lifted up her hand and waved without turning around. He shook his head and made his way back into the break room to finish cleaning up Leanne’s spill.

\--

 

“Leanne!” 

She spun around to see Jesse waving her over to a critical patient who was just brought to centre stage. She closed the chart she was writing in and ran over and took a quick look at his condition. Glancing at the patient’s monitor, she worked as fast as she could to get her rubber gloves on. Suddenly, blood began bubbling out of the patient’s mouth. Leanne pressed her stethoscope into the right side of the patient’s chest listening for any form of oxygen getting through to his lungs. Nothing. 

“Ok, uh, he needs a chest tube right now!” Leanne voiced rather aggressively. “Let’s go people! This man doesn’t have tim--” A wave of nausea came and hit her like a freight train. Pausing in the middle of the chaos, she swallowed hard and brought a hand up to her mouth. 

“Leanne, you okay?”

Leanne turned around and met Ethan’s concerned gaze. He was assisting Mario on a patient at the next bed behind Jesse, who’s face was also written with concern. She frowned a little at him before returning to the patient. Grabbing a scalpel from the tray beside her, she leaned in towards Jesse indicating for him to help her put on her glasses. Right as Jesse grabbed the glasses from her neck and slipped them onto the brim of her nose, she felt another swell of nausea tease her throat. Squeezing her eyes shut as hard as she could, she struggled hold down whatever was threatening to come out. 

Leanne shook her head and dropped the scalpel back on the sanitized tray. “I’m sorry, I need someone else to take care of this.” She ripped off her scrub cover, throwing her rubber gloves on the floor before she began to walk hastily down the hall. Jesse was quick on her heels - for a small woman with short legs, she was speedy.

“Leanne?” 

Hearing him behind her she shook her head, “Jesse, unless you want me to vomit on your shoes, let me go please.” She had a hand over her mouth and she didn’t dare take her focus from the bathroom at the end of the hallway. With her stomach contents beginning to threaten her once again, she quickened her pace to a jog, pushing herself into the single toileted bathroom where the door slammed behind her. Without hesitation, Jesse followed her in and ran to her side where he grabbed her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. He cringed at her heaving, rubbing her back as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the bowl below her.

“Annnnd courtesy flush.” Jesse said as he pressed the cold metal handle down once Leanne was finished. Wiping the moisture from her mouth, Leanne pushed herself up from the porcelain bowl and sat down against the wall. Jesse grabbed her a wet paper towel and dabbed the sweat that had accumulated on her forehead. Sliding down the wall, he sat himself beside her silently worrying.

Leanne leaned her head back into the wall and slowly turned towards Jesse, raising a brow.

“I need you to give me a blood test.”

Jesse tilted his head in curiosity.

“This doesn’t feel like a pesky little flu. Something’s up.” She cleared her throat. “I’ve been nauseous and dizzy on and off for a month now and it’s starting to affect my job. I told you earlier that I thought it was menopause but ones doesn’t barf their guts out with menopause.”

She sighed and looked back at the ceiling. Jesse looked down and grabbed her hand, shaking it a little. “Okay.”

\--

Jesse walked into Leanne’s office to find her giving herself a shot of gravol - something to ease the nausea she was feeling. He could see that she had been attempting to clear a tall stack of charts but hadn’t gotten far. Putting the syringe down, she looked up when she heard the door close.

“Hi Mama. Are those my results?” She smiled looking up over her glasses. 

Jesse nodded.

“You did run them as a Jane Doe right? I don’t need people knowing my business.”

“Of course, Daddy.” 

She reached out her hand but paused midway when she noticed the expression on the squatty Puerto Rican’s face. Obviously he didn’t wait until she was around to look at her results. They were supposed to be confidential but she knew he looked out of love. Despite this, she couldn’t ignore the solemn expression on his face. The smile that was once pushing at the corners of her mouth just moments ago faded immediately. “Jesse?” 

He slowly placed the chart into her open hand. 

“Quit it, you’re scaring me.” she said as she found it hard to tear her eyes from his face. Licking her bottom lip, she looked down and hummed a little as she opened the chart. Dragging her finger calmly down the page, she paused when it came into contact with the irregularity - the reason why she had been feeling so sick. “My hCG levels…they’re high.” Leanne’s voice trailed off. 

Jesse saw her freeze and nodded solemnly in response.

Slowly meeting his gaze once again, she raised her brow and parted her lips in disbelief. “I’m pregnant.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jesse watched as the colour drained from her face. Tears welled in her unblinking eyes as she stared into the paper in front of her. Dropping her hand, she looked up at Jesse - her bottom lip quivering slightly.

“I can’t…” she trailed off. “I can’t be.”

“Daddy, I think we both know you can be.”  
She sat there shaking her head trying to make sense of it all. “I thought it was menopause. Menopause, Jesse! Not pregnancy!” She got up from her chair and began pacing the room. A thousand thoughts raced through her mind. What would she do? What about work? Ethan. How was she going to tell Ethan? They never talked about kids - kids weren’t even a thought. Having more children never crossed her mind - the fear of losing them too would be too much to bear. The tears began to stream freely down her cheeks now and her chest felt as if it were about to concave. Jesse grew concerned as she began to hyperventilate.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leanne…” He walked over to her and placed both of his hands on her arms, stopping her from pacing. Jesse wrapped her in a tight hug, he felt her body rise and fall with the struggle of breath. He could feel the hot air of her sob escape on the side of his neck. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out.” He rubbed her back.

“I lost my babies, Jesse.” He pulled away from her but left his hands resting on the sides of her arms. The faces of his godchildren scintillated in his mind. Her watery eyes looked into his, “I can’t risk losing another one. I don’t think I would survive...” The last word filled with air and little sound as her face contorted into a mournful expression.

Pausing, he placed a hand on her cheek. He wiped away the tear trail from just below her eye and looked down before speaking. “Let’s get you home.”

\-- 

“Honey? I’m home!” There was no answer. “Rollie told me you went home. I told him you hadn’t been feeling well.” Still no answer. “I brought you some soup!”

Jesse walked out from the kitchen with a glass of water and some dry toast. 

“She isn’t going to eat that soup…”

“Jesse,” Ethan was a little taken back that he was in their house, “is everything okay?”

“No, but she needs you and you need to try and get her to eat something. Here…” He handed Ethan the plate of dry toast and the glass of water. “She’s in Caitlin’s room. I have to get back to the hospital.”

Caitlin’s room? She hadn’t been in that room since the accident. Ethan put down the container of soup along with his car keys and frowned as Jesse passed him the plate and glass. He was so confused and Jesse was dying to tell him what was going on but respected that it wasn’t his place to tell.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Jesse mumbled as he opened the door to leave. 

“Jesse, wait.” Jesse paused.

“Thanks for taking care of her.” Ethan hummed.

Jesse nodded and closed the door behind him.

Ethan jogged up the stairs and turned the door handle to Caitlin’s bedroom. It had pale purple walls and radiated a sense of grief. He hadn’t dared step into this room until now. Leanne was curled up on Caitlin’s tiny single sized bed. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying and the odd sniffle escaped her. This didn’t make any sense to him, she had been fine this morning before they left for work.

“Honey…” Ethan walked over and took a seat beside her on the bed, setting the plate of toast on water on the bedside table. He placed a hand on her back and began caressing in slow gentle circles. “What’s wrong?” He bend down to kiss her temple, “did something happen at work?”

She shook her head leaving a little wet pool of tears on the sheets below her face. She pursed her lips before a loud sob escaped her. Leanne pushed herself up from the bed and leaned herself into his arms. Ethan felt her push her face into his chest, the soft warm sobs dampening his shirt. He squeezed her a little tighter as her muffled sobs got louder and more frequent. Ethan began rocking to soothe her until he pulled her out of his arms and grabbed her face in his hands. He sat there for a moment looking into her heavy hazel eyes, pushing away the tears that came from their corners. He scooped her up in a big hug, feeling her arms wrap around his torso and rest on his upper back. They sat there for a moment in silence, the odd sob coming from Leanne until she piped up once again.

“Ethan…” She swallowed hard in between breaths. “I need to tell you something.”

As she felt him start to pull away, she hugged him even tighter, not certain that she was ready to tell him. Leanne squeezed her eyes shut as hard as she could, the salty tears burning as they ran her face. “I’m…”

He pulled away to see her face.

Leanne looked down as the words she was trying to find sat swelling in her throat. Tears continued to stream down her warm but now raw face, Ethan’s thumbs were trying their best to keep up with the falling drops. He nudged her chin up so that the two of them were making direct eye contact once again. “What?” he asked, running his thumb along the bottom of her chin.

“I never thought…” Leanne sucked in a scarce breath. “I don’t know how…” She was having a hard time telling him what he needed to hear. Ethan noticed his glossy reflection in her sad watery pools realizing that his worried expression did not appear all that comforting.

Her vision fell when he grabbed her hands in his. “I love you Leanne. It’s okay.”

She looked up at him and tilted her head to the side, her chin beginning to quiver once again and more tears threatened to fall. “It’s--” she inhaled again sharply, “it’s not okay.” Her eyes moved focus from one of his to the other. “I’m pregnant, Ethan.”

He froze. This was not the news that he was expecting to hear. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind. It was all falling together. Leanne had been feeling sick for a long time, she was having those dizzy spells, and she’d even gained a little weight, not that he minded. There had been a few times where she snapped at him and was a little moodier than usual as well. 

Leanne watched for a change in expression on his face but nothing. He sat there so still it almost scared her. His hands lay still in hers and his eyes on focused on her, unblinking. He didn’t look upset, but he didn’t look happy either. His face fell to the base of her stomach where his child was growing. Although having children wasn’t on his list of life priorities, something inside him began to dance with a newfound joy. He never thought he would have children but he couldn’t imagine sharing a child with anyone other than Leanne, his love.

He looked up at her with a small twinkle in his eye, “We’re having a baby?”

Leanne nodded somberly.

“I’m going to be a…” a corner of Ethan’s mouth spread into a very small and subtle smile. “I’m gonna be a... dad?”

Leanne’s eyes began to water again. Her lips parted to say something but within moments, she sealed them shut again for fear of ruining this for him. She could feel his excitement and it tore her to shreds that she wasn’t feeling the same way. He was overflowing light and unbridled joy but inside, her heart was breaking. She watched the new love of her life melt right in front of her. It almost broke her heart how fast he was falling and made her feel so terrible for not mirroring the same feelings.

He looked her up and down, smiling a little more before slipping off the bed and kneeling in front of her. “Can -- can I?” He asked hesitantly and held out his hand.

She nodded to him solemnly. He leaned in and put both of his hands on her belly. Her throat stifled a single whimper when she felt the contact of his large hands on her stomach. Leanne looked up and away from him. She bit her lip and hummed a little as she did her very best to keep any more tears from escaping.   
Ethan looked up and immediately snapped out of his daddy daze when he heard Leanne’s whimper. 

“Hey.” He climbed back on the bed beside her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be inconsiderate.” He guided her forehead to his and looked directly into her eyes before she closed them. 

“Listen, I understand that you are still in that graveyard -- that you’re afraid of replacing the memoires of them...that it might be a betrayal. I do.” He rubbed her cheek softly. “But I don’t think that a love that strong could ever be replaced or betrayed in any way.” Her head fell into his hand a little more, opening her eyes again she let out a small airy breath. Ethan leaned in closer and pecked her lips slowly and tenderly until she drifted in a little closer to his face. He applied more pressure to her mouth until she soon joined in. Small throaty sobs escaped the corners of their mouths as the remaining tears strayed from the inner corners of Leanne’s eyes.

“I love you, Leanne.” he whispered in between kisses. Dropping his hand from her face, he rested it on her stomach. Though his words were of great comfort to her, Leanne still couldn’t help but feel an unexplainable guilt and distress when reminded of the new life growing inside of her.


	3. Chapter 3

“Okay, Leanne. You’re about thirteen weeks along.” Dr. Bence continued to run the ultrasound wand over her small developing belly. “You’re showing a little sooner because--”

“Because this isn’t my first.” Leanne’s tongue skimmed her bottom lip as she looked away from the monitor that showed her tiny baby. “I know, Rob. I’m a doctor too, remember?”

Dr. Bence nodded and glanced at Ethan. “Would you like pictures of baby Rorish-Willis?” Dr. Bence waited for Leanne’s reply before looking to Ethan who nodded softly. A tear ran down the side of Leanne’s cheek as Dr. Bence wiped the jelly from her small bump and pulled down her shirt. “Is that all? I gotta get back to work.” Swiftly and before Dr. Bence could even respond, she sat up and grabbed the prenatal vitamins that he had prescribed to her and left the room before any of her tears could be seen. Ethan stayed behind in a paused silence.

“I’m sorry, Rob. She doesn’t mean any disrespect. This isn’t easy for her.” He looked down.

He shook his head, “I completely understand. I can’t see it being easy for anyone with a past like hers.”

“So this is my baby, huh?” He grabbed the images from Dr. Bence’s hand.

“It is.” He smiled.

An unmistakable grin pushed on Ethan’s cheeks and then quickly fell. “Am I horrible?” He asked running a thumb across the glossy image.

Dr. Bence sat back down on his stool and made himself comfortable. “Explain…”

Ethan looked up from the image into the man’s eyes. “Am I horrible for being happy about this baby, while my… I mean, while Leanne isn’t?” He paused for a moment. “Am I being insensitive?”

“Ethan…” The other man hummed.

“She’s in so much pain, Rob.”

“Ethan, I have faith that once that little one starts to grow and move, she will realize that she can love another child once again. After all, she found love again in you, didn’t she?”

“That she did.” Ethan smiled a little. “It wasn’t easy either. She made me work for it.” He carefully tucked the images of his child in his pocket.

“That I don’t doubt.” Dr. Bence laughed.

“Thanks, Rob.” Ethan patted his shoulder on the way out the door.

 

\--

 

The patient struggled and refused to stay still. He had a large laceration to his abdomen and was bleeding out fast. It was obvious that he had been in a gang fight, he was high on something and incredibly aggressive. Not to mention, two more in similar condition came in not even five minutes after him. Between his threats and flailing arms, Leanne was starting to get ticked off.

“Sir, we understand that you want to get out of here. We’re trying to help you do that, so please if you don’t mind -- sir…” she was doing her best to wrangle the man. “Stay still or we are going have to sedate yo--”

Jesse and the others, who attempted to hold the man down, flinched backwards as he freed his upper body from their grasps. With one swing of the man’s extremely large arms, Leanne flew backwards into a sanitized tool tray and onto the floor against a support beam.

“Leanne!” Jesse shouted as he laid on top of the man while the others strapped him to the table and gave him a shot of a sedative. Once the man was out, he immediately ran to her side as she tried to get up. Jesse sighed with relief when he realized she was conscious and she hadn’t hit her head.

“Jesse…” She paused and whispered, “he hit me in the stomach.”

He paused looking her up and down before helping her to her feet.

“I think we should go have a coffee break… Guthrie, would you mind taking over for Leanne?” Jesse shouted across the room as he began to walk away with her.

“Of course! No problem! You okay, Leanne?”

“Peachy!” She shouted back. Everyone looked around, all with concerned faces. She looked to Jesse, “I think we should page Ethan,” she trailed off “and Dr. Bence, even if I was just in his office this morning.”

“Yeah, just to make sure everything and everyone is okay.” He hummed back.

“Well, I think it would be important to Ethan.”

Jesse kept quiet and continued walking. She was attempting to cover up her concern using Ethan as an excuse. Whether she realized it or not, she was starting to sound like a mom again though he didn’t dare verbalize that out loud. On his way to the break room, Jesse grabbed his phone and paged Ethan.

“Brace yourself, I paged your lover.”

“Suck an egg, Jesse.”

Jesse burst out laughing and raised his hands, “what did I say?!”

Leanne shot him a glare, “you heard me.”

The two of them settled themselves into the break room. Jesse grabbed Leanne a glass of water after sitting her down on the couch. Jesse pulled out a pack of gauze from his pant pocket and dabbed at her elbow, which had been cut open, most likely by a scalpel or another tool on her way down during the fall. She was nervous and he could tell, every now and then she would glance down at herself, almost as if she were checking herself out.

Ethan came walking into the room, having not a clue what had happened to Leanne moments ago. His eyes settled onto a still Leanne getting patched up by Jesse.

“Leanne?” He walked over, a concerned expression on his face. “What happened?”

 Jesse glanced from Ethan’s direction to Leanne who was doing her best to look calm.

“Ethan, I’m fine. I just kind of… got knocked to the side a bit.”

Jesse rolled his eyes. “More like she flew across the ER.”

Ethan frowned in confusion and Leanne shot him a deathly glare.

“A patient got a little aggressive and he shoved me to the floor is all.”

“Is all? Leanne…”

“Hey,” she put up her hands, “I’m fine, I am. I just thought maybe you should know because he,” she paused for a moment “hit me in the stomach.”

He kneeled down in front of her, “Oh my god, are you--is it okay?” He pursed his lips. “Are you cramping, should we page Dr. Bence?”

“Easy, loverboy. I paged him already, he’s on his way to his office and we’re all going to meet him there in about fifteen minutes.” Jesse piped up again.

Leanne watched for a change in Ethan’s facial expression. He grabbed her hand in reassurance and smiled slightly. He didn’t want to freak her out and externalize the concern he felt inside.

“Okay, well let’s head upstairs and meet Rob then.”

The three of them made their way upstairs and made themselves as comfortable as possible in Dr. Bence’s office. Leanne had already situated herself on his examination table with her shirt pulled up and her stethoscope, ID badge, and other items that were usually attached to her hip placed neatly on the table beside her. Ethan sat on a stool beside her and Jesse stood behind Leanne’s head. Dr. Bence walked in a little surprised by the amount of people in the room.

“Jesse, nice to see you - been a while.” Jesse nodded back with a small smile.

“So Leanne - back so soon. Tell me what happened?” He squirted the cold green jelly on her belly and reached for the ultrasound wand, his voice sounding slightly rushed.

“A large drugged up patient hit me in the stomach, knocking me back first into a support beam.” She swallowed hard, avoiding making eye contact with the monitor beside her. She watched the expression on the doctor’s face instead.

“Not to mention a bunch of surgical trays.” Jesse added, pointing to her cut up elbow.

Leanne looked up to the ceiling as Dr. Bence added a little more pressure to her abdomen. She was doing everything her mind would allow to keep herself from thinking about the worst possible outcome.

“I see. Well let’s take a look here, shall we?” He nodded reassuringly to Ethan.

Leanne looked over at Ethan, wanting so badly to grab his hand for her own reassurance, but she didn’t want him to see her worry - her concern. She felt an immense need to stay strong, not only for herself but for her very fragile looking love at her side. His bright blue eyes were wide and glued to the screen. Leanne looked back up to the ceiling when she heard Dr. Bence clear his throat.

“Well…”

Leanne’s heart sunk in anticipation. Ethan grabbed her hand and she was so thankful he did. Closing her eyes, her brows furrowed together preparing herself for the worst.

“Everything looks normal. The baby looks absolutely fine.”

Ethan let go of Leanne’s hand and jumped up to hug Jesse. The two patted each other on the back while Leanne reopened her eyes and released a heavy exhale of relief. She quickly wiped away the salty tears from the corner of her eyes before anyone saw. Relaxing her body into the table below her, she waited as Dr. Bence wiped the jelly from the surface of her stomach. Ethan returned to her side and kissed just above her temple. Smiling lightly, he grabbed her hand and rubbed the surface of her skin with his thumb.

“Okay, Leanne, here’s the deal:” Dr. Bence murmured, pulling down her shirt as Ethan helped her sit up. “I like you a lot but I really don’t want to see you in here again until our next scheduled appointment.”

Leanne nodded, Ethan rubbed her back in small soothing circles not knowing that it was tender from hitting the support beam and was sure to bruise within the next few hours.

“Meaning, I don’t want you around any more aggressive patients. Try your best to avoid the nutjobs. This pregnancy is fragile as it is.”

She nodded again knowing that he wouldn’t hesitate to put her on leave if need be.

“Okay Ethan, take your lady home now.” Leanne went to protest Dr. Bence’s orders but chose to save her breath, rolling her eyes a little. Ethan held out his hand and helped Leanne hop off the table.

“Thanks Rob. I’ll see you at our next appointment.” She hummed, avoiding eye contact. Ethan nodded the doctor and followed Leanne out of the room with a hand on her shoulder. Jesse took a final look at the frozen image on the monitor and smiled before nodding and following the couple out of the room.

 

\--

 

“Are you okay?” Ethan asked as they pulled into the driveway to the house.

Leanne glanced at him and pushed her sore body out of the vehicle. Ethan turned off the running vehicle and watched the love of his life walk into the house. He sat there for a minute before he too got out and entered their home. Expecting to find Leanne in the kitchen or living room, he rounded the corner surprised not to find her in either of those places. Looking around for any sign of her, he made his way upstairs to find their bathroom door shut. The one place in the house where she could lock herself in and be by herself.

Leanne moved into the bathroom, closing the door that separated her further from the outside world. She let out a heavy sigh and moved to the bathroom sink. Turning on the faucet she pooled some water in her hands and brought it up to her face. The cool water a common comfort when she was upset. She twisted her body and pulled up her scrub top to take a look at her back, the bruising already developing around her ribcage. The whole ordeal flashed in her mind once again. The time stopping moment when the man’s arms hit her abdomen with such force - she thought that was it. That was the end. The very thought of this caused her eyes to water and her heart to break all over again. The wall she had built so high to protect herself from today’s events began to crumble. She closed the lid to the toilet and took a seat cupping her face in her hands. The fear and stress that had been eating away at her all afternoon, finally began to leave her body. Leanne’s soft sobs began to echo in the small room, and the tears began to fall freely without any resistance.

Ethan stood outside the door and listened. Each of her sobs causing his heart to sink in his chest. He raised his hand and slowly tapped on the aged wood. No response. He tapped again.

“Ethan, I’m fine.” She said sternly between sobs.

“You don’t sound fine.”

Leanne got up and unlocked the door, swinging it open with a surprising amount of force.

“I am fine!” She shouted at him a little louder as streaks of tears lined her cheeks. Her hazel eyes were wide and every body part from her chin to her knees were shaking.

“Leanne…”

“Ethan! This is why...” She stopped to suck in a gulp of air before another sob escaped from her mouth, “this is why I am scared to get attached to this child.” She bawled, her heaving causing her entire body to shake. “This is exactly what I was afraid of!” Each of her words sounding a little louder than the last. “I can’t lose… anyone else.”

She began to break down, her voice cracking and her face contorting as the pain took over. She swallowed hard and brought a hand to her mouth, the sobs coming to an immediate halt. “God dammit! Not this again!” She shouted at him as she darted to the toilet, throwing up with such force it brought her to her knees. The morning sickness was still very much apparent. Ethan rushed to her side and pulled her hair back, holding her as close as possible. She shrieked into the bowl below her, a sound so full of pain and fear that it made Ethan hurt too. He pulled her back from where she was resting on the toilet bowl and settled her small torso into his large structured frame. She buried her face into his chest and clung to his shirt so hard her knuckles went white. The shock of her roaring sobs coiled into his body, and all he could do was rock her and hold her as close and as tightly as possible. Soon the sobs became nothing but short irregular breaths and her body stopped shaking. The wall she had built so high for herself had finally been brought down.


	4. Chapter 4

Leanne dropped the bath towel from her body onto the floor, she shivered lightly grabbing her scrubs and under clothing. Pulling each item on slowly, she noticed just how snug her clothes were becoming. She glanced to the corner of the room where a long oval full-length mirror sat. Walking over, she dragged her hands through her hair and pulled it back into a loose ponytail. Her eyes trickled down from her hair to the small hill that appeared from under her scrubs, the fabric in her shirt a little tight around her midsection. Leanne dropped her hands from her hair to the the small swell of her belly. An immediate feeling of sadness rose inside of her. The last time she held herself in her hands like this was when she was pregnant with Elliot’s children. She could almost feel his warm hands on top of hers as they admired the evidence of their growing child inside her womb. The memory overwhelmed Leanne. She shook her head, releasing a few tears from the corners of her eyes.

Ethan was passing by their room when he noticed Leanne having a moment with herself in front of the bedroom mirror. He rested his hand on the door frame and tilted his head to the side, parting his lips. The atmosphere in that room was dim and mournful almost, the exact opposite of how things should feel knowing a new life would be joining their world in a few months. Pushing off the door frame, he gravitated towards her.

Leanne flinched lightly when Ethan silently snuck up behind her. He leaned in and rested his chin in the valley of her neck while his hands rested on her hips. Kissing her jawline, she tilted her head into his lips and closed her eyes. Ethan watched in the mirror’s reflection as she raised her brow -- stiff and upturned, a tell-tale sign that her mind was full and unsettled. Ethan guided his hands from her hips down to her hands that sat resting on her belly. Leaning into her a little more, he reached down and rolled up the bottoms of of her undershirt to reveal a small bare bump. Reinstating his hands on her soft bare skin, he looked up into the mirror to find Leanne biting her bottom lip, attempting to to keep threatening tears from escaping. Ethan closed his eyes and pulled his hands from her skin. Moving to her front, he lowered himself into a kneeling position. He raised his hands and held the small hill delicately in his palms, pausing there for a moment with both his love and his child. Leaning his head in, he kissed her stomach lightly with his lips, letting them linger there for a moment before backing away and looking up at a watery-eyed Leanne. She flicked away a single tear that ran down her cheek with her knuckle.

He lightly pecked her tummy again. “Hey…” His voice soft and inviting.

She shook her head, “I was doing so much better, I don’t know why…” Leanne’s voice trailed off, her brow wrinkling upward again. She was right, she had been doing a lot better lately. She wasn’t crying as much and she wasn’t letting her feelings get to her while she was at work anymore.

Ethan stood up and grabbed her hand, leading her to the bed where he sat her down. He picked up his hand and moved it to her face, brushing his thumb over her cheek. “I just don’t feel the same as I did when I was pregnant with Eli and Cailtin.” Her hazel hues glistened behind a thin wall of tears.

Ethan tilted his head in response, dropping his hand to her lap -- resting it on top of hers. “What do you mean?”

She swallowed hard before answering, “When we first learned that I was pregnant with Eli, the joy I felt was indescribable. Elliot was so happy that he went to the store immediately and practically bought out the entire baby section. We had a crib, a changing table, a rocking chair, and everything we needed before I was even in the second trimester!” She smiled into Ethan’s eyes, but that smile faded quickly. “When Eli kicked for the first time, I thought something was wrong. I didn’t know what was happening. I was with my mom when it happened and she told me that it was Eli, that was our baby kicking. I broke down on the spot, that’s when it all became so real. I was going to be a mother.”

Leanne stood up, leaving Ethan on the bed. “Then the day he was born, the moment Jesse placed that sweet boy on my chest, in my arms…” She trailed off. “I never knew a love like that existed, Ethan. I loved him so much, I vowed right then and there that I would never let anything happen to him.” the last couple words breaking in her throat.

Ethan’s heart sank.

“And then three and a half years later, Caitlin decided she wanted to be apart of the family too. My pregnancy with her was way more difficult than it was when I was pregnant with Eli. Elliot said she was like me from the very beginning -- she was a force to be reckoned with. I had awful morning sickness with her, and horrific cravings too. Boy, that girl knew how to get what she wanted, let me tell you! Elliot drove all the way to the other side of LA at four am just to buy me mustard -- and I hated mustard which is why we didn’t have any, but that little lady wanted a mustard sandwich so bad I was in tears.” Leanne laughed a little. “Poor Elliot.”

Leanne paced around the room as she spoke. “He really did get the short straw of that pregnancy -- I broke his hand when I went into labour with her. I squeezed so hard I fractured his metacarpal bone.” She laughed lightly glancing back at Ethan. “While I was having contractions, he was getting a cast put on!” She shook her head with a smile. “Anyway, I expected her birth to be a lot quicker than Eli’s, usually the second ones always are, but that little lady kept me working. Our doctor drew the line at twenty-six hours and scheduled me an immediate c-section.” Leanne paused for a breath. “Elliot kept teasing me, saying that she was more like me that we had originally thought -- stubborn as hell because she didn’t want to come out. She entered the world doing her absolute best to convince us that she was quite content right where she was and we had no business disrupting her.” Leanne chuckled to herself but stopped short.

Leanne swallowed the quickly forming lump in her throat and stopped pacing. “Eli and Caitlin, they were my life. When I lost them,” her voice weakened, “knowing now what I didn’t know then, knowing that I could lose this baby just as quickly as I lost them...and with this fragile pregnancy. I just don’t know if my heart could take it.”

Ethan picked up his arms and flicked his fingers towards himself, “come here.” Leanne took a moment to make eye contact before she moved towards him and sat down. Leaning her head into his neck, Ethan threw his arm over her shoulder and used his free hand to grab hers.

“It’s just, they aren’t here with me right now,” She picked up her head to look at him. “and it’s a horrible reminder that the same could happen to this one too.” Leanne tilted her head to the side, and grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I want to fall head over heels in love with this child but knowing what could happen, it makes me cautious and in a constant state of fear.”

Ethan swallowed, taking into account everything that she was saying. “I understand what you’re saying, I d--”

“What?” Leanne jumped back suddenly. “How could you understand? You don’t understand! You weren’t there!”

“Lea…”

Leanne jumped up and backed away from him. “No! Don’t Lea me!” The volume in her voice surprised him a little. “You say you understand but you don’t!” Leanne inhaled sharply between words, “you weren’t the one who lost her entire family. I lost my family and my babies, how could you even say you understand.” Tears began streaming down her face.

“Leanne,” he got up off the bed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I lost a significant piece of who I was that day, Ethan.” Leanne spat out in between sobs.

“I know you did, I’m so sorry.” He embraced a stiff Leanne. Her rage and emotion causing her to shake in his embrace. Part of her wanted to push him away and scream some more but another part of her melted because nothing made her feel more at peace than when she was in his arms. Her body loosened and relaxed into his grasp. Small airy whisps of wet breath soaked in to Ethan’s chest as she buried her body into his.

“I’m so sorry I upset you.” Ethan knew that although she had healed greatly since that day, the very thought of them was still stingingly painful.

Leanne stood there in his grasp for a moment longer before she picked up her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. Without taking her arms from around his body she inhaled before speaking, “I’m sorry.” Her eyes watered. “I know you were just trying to make me feel better.”

Ethan leaned down and pecked her lips, placing a hand along her jaw and running his thumb over her cheek wiping her running tears. “No need to apologize.”

“No, there absolutely is a need.” Leanne backed away gently. “I went zero to one hundred really fast. I blame the hormones.”

“Hormones or not, I love you so much Leanne. You can go zero to one hundred on me whenever you need. I’m a big boy, I can take it.” Ethan hummed leaning down to kiss her lips delicately.

“I love you too, Ethan. More than words.”

She leaned her head back into his chest and stood there as he rubbed her back in slow soothing circles.

“Now, this might be an inappropriate time to ask but...can we pick up some Chinese food on our way into the hospital? I have a mean craving for some sweet and sour pork.” Leanne picked up her head and asked curiously.

Ethan let out a hearty laugh, “of course we can. Let me go grab my wallet.” He leaned down once more and pecked her lips.

\---

It had been a long day and both Ethan and Leanne had been doing their best to keep up with the constant income of patients in the ER. There were times where Leanne would catch Ethan keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay - something that she found comforting. Despite how much she loved the hospital, it was a relief to come home at the end of the day and wind down.

Leanne put her hairbrush down and watched as Ethan pulled his grey t-shirt over his head, letting it drop to the floor. She loved the way he looked with no shirt and plaid pajama pants hanging at his hips. She watched as he threw back the sheet crawled into bed, grabbing the book that had been sitting on her nightstand. She watched him as he opened the book to the page with the folded corner, the place she had left last.

Giving it a quick skim he laughed lightly. “What the heck is this book?” He asked with a small smile. “There are no guns, no explosions! No fun!”

Sticking her toothbrush into her mouth she walked towards him and leaned against the bathroom door frame with a slight grin pushing at her cheeks. “It’s a good book, okay? I like it.” Toothpaste bubbled from the corners of her mouth as she spoke. Looking up from his book, Ethan admired his beautiful woman. Her hair was tousled a long day in the ER and she was wearing nothing but one of his old baggy shirts. Her short stature sent the bottom of the shirt to her mid thigh. He noticed the material around her midsection would catch on the small hill underneath when she moved certain ways. His baby. She laughed a little as she turned around to go spit her mouth full of toothpaste in the sink. Ethan returned to what he thought was a goofy book. Dabbing her mouth on a tan coloured towel she returned, pulling back the covers to their bed.

“When the lotus flower first begins to sprout, it does so underwater. Though conditions are tough, the lotus heeds the call of the sun each morning, breaks the surface of the water and blooms untouched by the mud.” Ethan read outloud, pausing to ponder. “This is one intense gardening book, don’t you think?” He flipped the book around in his hands before looking up at Leanne.

She laughed as she crawled into bed but stopped short with a flinch. Inhaling sharply, she immediately brought a hand to her stomach, sending the material of the tshirt to gather under her hand.

The smile on Ethan’s face fell as he noticed her discomfort, “Leanne?”

Frozen as if something was wrong, in exhaled slowly. The expression on her face causing Ethan to throw back the bed’s covers and rush to her side.

“Leanne, are you okay?” Ethan grabbed her face. “Please answer me.”

Her hazely pools slowly met his face. “I think…”

Ethan relaxed a little when a very slight smile pushed at one side of her mouth.

“I think our baby just kicked.”

Ethan dropped his hands from her face in disbelief. “What?” He whispered slightly. “You scared me I thought something was wrong.”

Leanne relaxed into the bed and grabbed his hands. Placing them softly on her, they sat there patiently waiting for Ethan to feel the subtle popping sensation that she had felt just seconds ago.

“I don’t feel anything.” Ethan murmured, his chin dipping downward.

“Just wait.” Leanne pulled up her shirt to reveal her small bare bump, reinstating his hands on her skin. The two of them sat there in complete silence for little while longer before Leanne broke the silence. “Alright, grab that book.”

“What?” Ethan questioned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“Just do what I say! Grab that book and start reading again.”

Ethan got up and stretched his body across the bed reaching for the book. Grabbing it, he pulled back it’s pages and began reading again with his free hand remaining on Leanne’s stomach. “Just like the lotus, we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the our own personal darkness and--”

Ethan stopped reading abruptly as Leanne quickly jerked his hand to a spot where she had felt movement.

“Do you feel it?” Leanne asked looking up at him, eyes glistening.

Ethan, however speechless, had the biggest grin on his face. He dropped the book on the bed and placed his other hand on her belly. “I do, I feel it!” He exclaimed, his smiling growing with every second.

“Oh my god! That’s our baby!”

Leanne laughed as Ethan pushed her body backward into a reclined position, not lifting his hands from her belly.

“Feels to me that someone loves their daddy already.” Leanne smiled, running a hand through Ethan’s hair.

Ethan sat there in awe, relishing in the movement of his child. As a doctor, he had felt other babies move inside their mother’s womb, but this was different - this was his baby. He looked up into a watery eyed Leanne and smiled, realizing that for the first time she too was sharing the joy of this child.


	5. Chapter 5

Leanne woke up to a sleeping Ethan wrapped around her. His body heat beginning to feel a little too warm for comfort as she seemed to get hot quicker these days. Leanne pushed back a sweat infused curl out of her face before she looked under the covers to find one of Ethan’s hands cradling her small belly. Gently picking up his hand, she rested it on top of his hip before slipping out of the covers only to feel a hand grab her wrist and pull her back in.

“Ethan!” Leanne shrieked with a smile as she landed back in his arms. “What are you doing? I thought you were sleeping!”

“I was but you were still sleeping and I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

Leanne gazed into his eyes deeply as he spoke.

“Your lips were doing that thing they do when you sleep really heavily.” a smile curled at the corners of his mouth. “You know, the way they part every time you exhale - that little ‘pfft’ sound.” He pulled another piece of hair from the corner of her mouth, grazing her lip as he did so.

Leanne smiled softly running a hand down the side of his face. “I love you.”

He kissed the center of her palm gently. “You know who else I love so much?” Ethan switched from one of her eyes to the other.

Leanne hummed, waiting for an answer but began to laugh when he rolled her onto her back and pulled up her shirt. “I love you so much, my little cricket.” He pecked the area just to the right of her belly button. “And I can’t wait to meet you.” The vibration from his lips tickling at the surface of her skin. Ethan placed a hand back on her tummy before settling himself back on his pillow.

Leanne laid there half smiling, “Why cricket?”

He glanced up at her, “because when she moves it feels like a little cricket skipping across your stomach.”

Leanne smiled, pressing her lips together. “and what makes you think it’s a girl?” She shifted to better face him - the edges of the pillow slightly obstructing her view.

He tucked his free hand under his pillow and shrugged. “Just a gut feeling, I guess.” He moved his index finger lightly in tiny circles around her belly button.

The corners of Leanne’s lips dropped a bit as she looked down at her belly. “Well, my mother told me it was going to be a boy when I was pregnant with Eli because I was carrying so heavily in the front — so I’m guessing this one will be a boy too because I’m all belly so far.”

Ethan stopped his hand’s movements and smiled a little wider when he felt his child move under his warm palm. Leanne watched silently as Ethan’s face began to glow with pride. “I don’t know.” he hummed after a moment. “I still think it’s going to be a girl.” He picked his head up and looked to her face -- his blue eyes bright with happiness.

“Do we want to find out?” Leanne asked with a twinkle in her eye. She dropped a hand so that it was resting just below her breast bone, her fingers deep in the folds of her pushed-up T-shirt.

He stopped caressing her stomach and dropped his hand to her thigh, gazing into her glowing face. “I’ve been avoiding that area on the ultrasound because I didn’t know if we wanted to know.”

Leanne paused for a moment to contemplate, raising her brow and moving her hands to the bare skin of her stomach she sighed briefly. “Well I don’t think we need to find out because I already know we are having a…” She paused again, “boy.” She joked.

“Girl.” Ethan chirped at the same time with a with a cheeky grin.

Leanne scoffed and rolled her eyes, her lips parted into a small smile and exposed the whites of her teeth.

Ethan let out a throaty laugh, “I’ll love our little cricket either way.” He grazed his palm across her smooth tummy before pulling himself up to her lips, gently hovering his body over hers.

“I already do.”

\--

Leanne fidgeted with the straw in the green smoothie Jesse had bought for her. He cringed at the screeching sound it made each time she pushed it down and pulled it back up again. Sighing heavily she looked to Jesse with an impatient glare.

Jesse had forced Leanne away from the ER, robbing her of a challenging procedure, and she was the least bit thrilled. He was convinced that she had been on her feet for far too long and that it was no good for her or the baby. Leanne had worked herself into the ground with her previous pregnancies, it had even caused a bit of a scare the last time. Despite given multiple reminders to take it easy, Leanne proceeded and was later hospitalized after experiencing premature contractions. Jesse knew better this time - even if it meant a dealing with an even moodier Leanne.

He raised his brow at her in return, “don’t you glare at me, miss thang. Baby can’t tell you to take a break but mama can.” He patted at his chest proudly with an open palm.

Leanne’s glare intensified, “would you keep it down?” She bowed her head, dropping to a whispery growl.

“What? You don’t think that in another few months that people aren’t gonna realize what’s up when you’re walking around with what looks like a watermelon under your scrub top?”

Leanne scowled at him and reached over, pinching a couple of french fries from his cafeteria tray. “I thought you learned your lesson after your heart attack.” She waved the soggy pieces of potato at him. She grimaced as she put them in her mouth and started chewing. “Oh Jesse… They could have at least given you a fresh batch and not some that taste like they’ve been sitting out for three days.” She leaned forward and spat the mouth full of potato into a napkin.

“Don’t change the subject! Look, Leanne… I realize you’re having a hard time--”

Leanne began shaking her head, still attempting to clear the remaining potato out of her mouth with her napkin. “No Jesse, I don’t want to do this here,” she interrupted. Her eyes scanning the buzzing cafeteria. She pushed herself up from the table, giving him a final glare, and began walking away leaving him behind. He sat there for a moment shaking his head before he too got up and followed her out of the cafeteria.

The two of them walked into her office. Jesse raised his hand and and pushed the door closed behind him. “Look Leanne, I’m not trying to interfere here but people are going to start noticing that little bump of yours.” He pointed towards the area around her midsection, the material was snug and slightly hung up on the bump.

Leanne pulled down her shirt and looked towards the ceiling, clenching her jaw. “I’m not ready.”

Jesse took a few steps towards her and sighed. “Who is? When is anybody ever ready for this? You weren’t ready when you had your first either.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Okay, so what did you mean?”

“When we got into the accident, everybody here knew what happened and they talked behind my back for months.” She held her arms out and stopped walking. “I just don’t want to be the topic of hospital gossip again. I just want to be able to live.”

“So live!” Jesse waved his hands in the air.

“But how?” She raised her voice. “How can I live when I know I’m going to be criticized and talked about for trying?” Flustered, Leanne dropped her hands and began to pace.

“Everything is such a mess! I was doing just fine by myself until Ethan came along. I was finally coming to terms with the idea that I was alone and that was my life.” She held out her hands like the life she was talking about was right there in front of her. “Now I feel stuck, like I have no control over my own life anymore. Suddenly I’m in love with Ethan, I’m having a baby I don’t think I’m even ready for. Everything's happening so fast and all at once and I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know--” she stopped walking and her voice dropped to a whisper, “how to cope, Jesse.” She tilted her head to the side before covering her face with her hands.

Jesse shuffled over to her. He rested a hand on her shoulder. Raising his free hand, he inhaled and dropped it as he exhaled. “Breaths, Leanne. Big breaths.” Jesse felt her shoulders rise and fall a couple of times before relaxing back into her frame. Bringing his hand to her face, he wiped away a tear with his thumb. Leanne looked into his eyes, there was a gentle sense of peacefulness which in turn made her feel a little less distressed. Dropping his hand, he began pulling her over to the small couch. Pushing her back into the soft cushions, he grabbed her legs and hung them over his. “I would give you a foot massage... but you know Mama don’t do feet.” He shook his head while looking down at her running shoes.

This brought a small smile to Leanne’s face. A nurse of twenty-three years, who dealt with all kinds of human anatomy on a daily basis, couldn’t handle feet. He could manage all the bodily fluids a person could literally throw his way, but as soon as he had to deal with someone’s feet, he had already passed the job off to someone else.

“Look, Leanne. Sure, people might talk--” he shrugged, “let them. When have you ever let gossip get to you? You know who you are, you know what your life is about. As much as they like to think they do too, they don’t.” He paused tilting his head slightly, noting the calmness in her eyes.

“And this whole thing with your feelings about Ethan and this baby -- Leanne, I’m just gonna be real with you. What you have with Ethan is not something you’re ever going to find again -- just like that brownie recipe you promised you’d give me before you lost it--” He threw a up a set of air quotes before he held out his hands defensively “but moving on.” He waited until after Leanne shook her head with a subtle smile before he began again.

“You told me after you lost Elliot that you thought love was a once-in-a-lifetime thing... but it looks to me, like you’ve found it again with Ethan.” He shifted in the couch cushion, “I guess my point is, you may not feel ready for all of it but this may be this is life’s way of saying that you are.”

Leanne tilted her head, taking in every last detail of meaningful advice that came out of Jesse’s mouth before wincing suddenly. Her attention moved immediately from Jesse to her small bump.

Jesse noticed, “Leanne?” His hand meeting just above her elbow.

She looked up at him, “Kicking. Lots of kicking.” Moving her hand, she pressed her palm into the surface of her belly and in turn, grabbed Jesse’s fleshy hand and held it there too. Leaning back more, she let out a small content sigh.

Jesse smiled with one side of his mouth, “see? Even baby agrees with Uncle Mama.”

Leanne met Jesse’s soft browns and let out a gentle laugh, her brow rising slightly. “Uncle Mama?”

Jesse grabbed her hand and brought its surface to his lips. “Yep.” He beamed proudly.


	6. Chapter 6

“I’m just so frustrated, Jesse.” Leanne huffed. “He wants nothing to do with it.” She pushed a chart into the side of his gut and brushed backward a piece of hair from her face. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

The two of them were leisurely making their way back to the nurses station after going over post care instructions and discharge papers with a patient. Leanne had grown noticeably more temperamental over the past few days and Jesse had noticed. He had been with her during her last two pregnancies and had seen this all before - it was all familiar territory.

“Maybe he’s just scared that he’s going to hurt the baby.”

Leanne frowned and shook her head. “I just don’t understand. It’s like a switch went off and now he won’t even touch me.” Leanne shook her head, raising her hands slightly. “I do everything that he likes! I play our song, I run my hand down his… well--”

“Whoa! Leanne, stop!” Jesse quickly raised his hands. “Mama don’t need to know what G.I. Joe likes to do in bed.”

She laughed lightly. “Right. Sorry.” They began walking again.

“It’s just driving me crazy.” Leanne growled lowly leaning into him, digging her nails slightly into his forearm. “It’s these damn hormones. All the oestrogen and progesterone pumping through my body has me feeling like I want to--”

Jesse simply held up his hand to stop her this time. “Mama don’t need to know that either.” Jesse puckered his bottom lip and shook his head lightly before quickening his pace.

Leanne rolled her eyes before speaking. “He’s a doctor, he should know…” Leanne trailed off pausing to see if anyone was intruding on their conversation, ”that certain hormones make me want to do certain things.”

Jesse began frantically patting his hips. “Hey, do you hear that?”

Leanne had caught on quickly to his charade.

Jesse pulled his lifeless pager from his hip, took a look, and shoved it back down into the depths of his lint-filled pocket. “Yep, getting paged. Gotta go.”

Leanne rolled her eyes and yanked her chart back from underneath his arm before he sped off in the opposite direction. She shook her head as she continued walking down the hall. For the most part, Leanne could talk to Jesse about anything but when it came to intimate details between her and Ethan, he darted and wanted no part of it. Understandable.

\-- 

Leanne walked into the locker room to find Ethan digging through his bag. He was trying to find the the lunch she had made him earlier that morning. “Oh hey, sweetie.”

She smiled warmly in his direction as she walked towards him. He bent down slightly and leaned to the side to kiss her temple, his searching hands still tucked deep in his bag. She let her palms travel down his back before running them around his torso to rest on his pectoral muscles. Settling herself into his body, she dropped her hands to his hips and rested her head in between his shoulder blades. Leanne closed her eyes, his cologne was strong today and she loved it - it was arousing.

“Is everything okay?” Ethan asked. He placed his plastic-wrapped sandwich on the top shelf of his locker and turned towards her. This somewhat public embrace was unusual coming from her. He wrapped his arms around her upper back and gave her a light squeeze. He could feel the subtle roundness of her belly impeding on his lower stomach. Leaning down to peck her lips, he could feel her fingertips resting on his jaw, her palms floating on the sides of his neck. Ethan’s ears perked when he heard a faint hum coming from Leanne. Her lips had lingered on his a little longer than he had expected them to.

Leanne slowly separated her lips from his and moved her forehead to his chin. “Everything is fine. I just wanted to see you.” She smiled lightly up at him, her face bright. “You smell great today.” She said with a very subtle growled undertone.

Ethan cocked his head and couldn’t help but laugh a little. She wasn’t sounding like herself. He flinched lightly when he felt her hands drop from his waist down to his bottom, giving it a light squeeze. She nipped at her bottom lip slightly as her hands traveled to the tie on his scrub bottoms and then a little lower.

“Leanne!” he whisper-shouted. Ethan rolled lightly up onto his toes and looked in both directions for anyone that may have seen the scandalous act.

She lifted her head from his chin with a cheeky and seductive grin, “what?”

“We’re at work. What are you doing?”

Leanne’s smile dropped and she backed up slightly, a little taken back by his question. “No one’s in here.” She looked around. “All I did was squeeze your butt a little. Besides, we’ve fooled around at work before. What’s the problem?”

He looked deeply into her eyes, “I just… I just came in here to get a sandwich. I don’t have much time before I have to be back on the floor.” He turned around and reached up to grab his sandwich.

Leanne tensed her jaw, and looked down a little. She backed up completely this time so that no part of her was touching Ethan. This had been the third time something like this had happened this week and she was getting tired of it. She didn’t understand.

He closed his locker and leaned in to kiss her temple again. “I’m sorry, Lea. I gotta go.” Pulling down his scrub top to hide his obvious arousal, he made his way towards the door.

Leanne didn’t move and kept her back toward him, somewhat shocked.

Ethan paused momentarily with his hand on the doorknob, he felt bad for giving her such an inadequate explanation. With one final glance back at her, he twisted the cool metal handle and left Leanne behind in the locker room.

To be frank, Leanne was disappointed and a little hurt by the unintentional rejection from Ethan. She felt a small flutter in the base of her stomach. It was almost as if the baby was checking in to make sure she was okay. Dropping her chin, she looked down and placed a warm palm on the side of her small hill. “We’re okay, kiddo.” Sighing, she gave her stomach a pat and walked towards the door leaving the room.

\--

It was a couple days later when Leanne decided to make Ethan and herself a nice dinner. She had beat him home and had time to spare. After licking her finger and thumbing through a few pages of her mom’s favourite cookbook, she decided she would make a small lasagna. It was her plan that perhaps while the meal was cooking in the oven, Ethan and her could have some ‘alone’ time. She’d even gone out and bought some sexy lingerie especially for the occasion. Something she very rarely wore.

Fixing the strap on her black lace lingerie, Leanne pinched a bit more cheese on to the surface of the raw lasagna. She shrugged upward so that the black satin robe that had been slipping down her shoulders would return to it’s original position instead of resting in the creases of her elbows. It felt awkward and unlike her to be in lingerie, never mind cooking in it. It was something she hadn’t worn since before she’d had kids. Putting on her oven mitts, she grabbed the small glass dish and opened the oven. The heat from the preheated oven’s door seeped into her face, surprising her a little and causing her to blink and retreat lightly. Pulling the oven open a little wider she inserted the dish and set the timer.

Leanne checked her watch to see if Ethan was going to be home soon. Any minute now. Then she laughed and shook her head. A watch? With lingerie? Not sexy. She shuffled to the bathroom and placed her watch on the countertop. Pulling the clip from her hair, she ran a hand through the soft tousled curls. She applied a bit of lipstick, first on the top lip and then the bottom - rubbing them together to spread the colour evenly. As awkward as it felt, getting dolled up for Ethan was almost exciting. She anticipated the shocked expression that would blanket his face when he saw her as he walked in.

Leanne turned her head when she heard the door click open and click shut again. Ethan was home. She could hear him drop his keys in the key dish beside door followed by the thump of his bag dropping to the floor.

“Something smells good!” she heard him yell.

“Be right there! Stay where you are!” She dabbed at her lips with the coral coloured lipstick one more time and teased the back of her hair again. Looking down at her body in the mirror, she loosened her robe so that a bit of lacey cleavage could be seen. Dropping one of the robe’s sleeves off her shoulder, she adjusted the strap to the lingerie before smiling seductively at her reflection.

Ethan could hear her approaching. Leanne emerged from the hallway bathroom dressed in a black silk robe ending mid-thigh. She was barefoot and she had painted her toes a dark purpley-red. As his eyes moved up her body, he tensed lightly when he noticed the slight lace accenting her cleavage underneath the robe.

She walked towards him, trying to be sexy but clearly feeling slightly uncomfortable and a little awkward. She slid her hand behind his hip and pulled herself into his body. A seductive smile crept at her mouth as she wrapped her leg around his and ran her calf up his leg. His eyes were wide and unexpecting.

“What do you think?” Her voice low but soft.

“Wow.” was all Ethan could get out. He had never seen her in lingerie before. She was stunningly beautiful. His heart raced a little as she traced her fingers down his chest and up under his shirt.

“Kiss me.”

Ethan did as he was told, closing his eyes and lowering his head so that his lips could meet hers. The flavour of freshly applied lipstick rubbed off onto his mouth. He hummed and opened his eyes before leaving her lips. His tongue skimmed the corners of his mouth before smiling lightly down at her.

“You look incredible.”

Pulling her hand from under his shirt, she grabbed his hand and began pulling him up the stairs. He followed her like a love struck puppy, almost tripping on the first step of the wooden staircase.

Leanne brought him up to their room, where she had let go of his hand and put some space between them. The room was darkly lit, the flicker of a couple bedside candles caught in Ethan’s peripherals. Leanne tugged at the tie on her robe, and Ethan watched as the satin material glided down her body and into a puddle on the floor. All that was left was the black lace lingerie. It had a slight push up effect and flowed into a sheer flowing sheet below her bust. The slit in the front was accented with black lace and allowed the slight roundness of her stomach to peek through just above the black underwear.

She tucked some of her hair behind her ear and eased herself back onto the bed, crossing her legs at the knee. The loose sheer material covering her body now falling to the sides revealing her bare torso. She was paying close attention to the expressions on his face. “Ethan, I’m not normally one to wear lingerie. It’s a little uncomfortable.” She pulled at the strap. “You should come take it off for me.”

Ethan couldn’t help his instant arousal. Her voice was soft yet raspy, quiet, and seductive. He walked closer and as he did so the further backward she pushed herself onto the bed. Easing herself into the pillows, she smiled as Ethan came closer. Lowering himself slowly onto the duvet cover, he crawled toward her and pressed his lips into hers. He closed his eyes and sent a hand up her ribcage, heading immediately to the strap that she had claimed to be uncomfortable. He pulled it down her shoulder, his fingers now traveling to her lace on her breast. Ethan hummed as one of her hands teased it’s way under his shirt, her nails digging lightly into his side. He began to throb with desire feeling the weight of her leg behind his knee. She could feel his arousal pressing into her thigh. Ethan applied more pressure into their kiss as her hands worked at slowly pulling off his t-shirt. His hand grazed the slight incline of her belly which caused him to gently pull his lips from hers, retreating lightly. This was happening too fast. Her hazels opened loosely as she went to find his lips again, opening a little wider when she realized the significant amount of space between them. Ethan had backed away and he was looking somewhat concerned. The small wrinkle in his forehead and wide eyes told her so.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She spoke softly picking herself up slightly, her elbows digging into the pillows.

He backed up into a kneeling position and ran a hand across his jaw. “Yeah, I just don’t know if this is a good idea.” He looked back up at her shamefully.

Her eyes were wider now and brimming with frustration. “Ethan Jonah Willis. What the hell is going on with you?”

She picked up her her body and backed herself against the headboard. “Are you not attracted to me anymore? Is that it?” She quickly pulled the strap of her lingerie back up onto her shoulder, attempting to cover back up.

“God no, Leanne!” He moved abruptly to a standing position.

“I mean, I know I’ve gained some weight but within reason!” She said grabbing a pillow in an attempt to cover herself, tears once again a threat.

“Leanne, of course that’s not it. I’ve never been more attracted to you.” His right hand flew out to the side, palm open.

She pushed herself off the bed and stomped over to him, hugging a pillow to her stomach. “Then please, tell me. Tell me why in the world you don’t ever want to make love to me anymore!” Her bottom lip quivered for a second before she began speaking again. “I’ve been making moves at you all week and you’ve rejected me every single time! I’m tired of it, Ethan! I’m tired of it!”

Ethan was speechless, he had no idea how much it had been bothering her. It was as if everything he was wanting to say, wouldn’t form into sentences and leave his mouth. His silence was enough to send tears trailing down her cheeks. She marched off to the bedroom bathroom and slammed the door shut. Ethan was close behind her but didn’t make it before white door closed in his face.

“Leanne, please!” He tried wiggling the doorknob, but she had locked it. “I love you so much and I’ve never been more in love with you than I am right now. You’re more beautiful to me than you’ve ever been before.”

Silence.

“Leanne Rorish, get out here please.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do, Ethan.” She hissed back.

Ethan leaned his forehead into the white wooden door, resting a palm lightly on the door’s frame. He shook his head. He didn’t want to tell her the whole reason he had been avoiding her lustful prods.

“Leanne,” he paused, “it’s not that I’m not attracted to you, that couldn’t be the farthest from the truth.” He lifted his forehead from the door and pressed it back in, but this time closing his eyes. “To tell you the truth, I’m scared.”

More silence. Then, the clicking of the door’s lock. Ethan backed away from the door, as it creaked open to a sniffling Leanne with a tissue pressed to her nose - a confused frown in her brow.

“What?” She wiped her nose again, “scared of what?”

Ethan looked down, avoiding eye contact. “Of…” He turned around, shoving his hands in his pockets and sighed. “Well of…”

“Ethan, please.” She prodded impatiently, opening the door a little wider, still hugging the pillow to her abdomen.

“You’re going to think it’s silly.” He looked back at her expression, it was growing impatient.

“Okay, Leanne. I’m scared of hurting the baby, okay?” He sat down on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands.

Leanne tilted her head and slowly made her way towards him. Dropping the pillow on the floor beside him, she too lowered herself onto the bed and scooted closer to him.

“Is that it?” She placed a hand on his thigh, wiping away a remaining tear with her free hand. “Ethan, you’re a doctor - you know sex this early in the pregnancy can’t hurt the baby.” She grabbed his face and turned it towards hers.

“Medically, I know that Leanne. But this is you and my baby we’re talking about here. You’re not just another patient that I can spit out facts to without a worry, you’re important and this is real. Everything is so much more real now.” He swallowed hard and held out a hand, “It’s just, I know what this baby means for you, and how scared you were in the beginning and how you said you didn’t know if you could handle if something were to happen - I’m just scared something will happen if we…”

Leanne’s heart dropped for him. “Honey,” she paused grabbing his hand. “Cricket is very well protected in here. You know this.” She took his hand and placed his palm at the base of her abdomen. “Nothing that we do together, could cause any harm. Cricket is tucked away in a cozy little cocoon and as for all she knows, mama could just be taking a very brisk walk with daddy.”

A small smile creeped at one corner of Ethan’s mouth, he looked up at Leanne - a sense of relief blanketing his face. Running his thumb back and forth over her belly, he leaned in to kiss Leanne. His peck was soft and light. “A brisk walk, huh? So you think it’s a she now too?”

“What?” Leanne leaned away from him, slightly confused.

“You called Cricket a she.” He circled her stomach.

“Oh, well no. I just said that because I didn’t want to call our baby an it.”

“Mhm, okay.” He replied sarcastically with a raised brow. Leanne just laughed.

Leanne raised a hand and began scratching at her chest. “Now I’m starting to remember why I stopped wearing lace lingerie.” She looked down at the redness beginning to form on her skin from her scratching. “It’s so damn itchy.”

Ethan looked her up and down, “Well now, Dr. Rorish. Let me help you with that.” He pushed her backwards so that she was now lying on the bed. He gently hovered over her mouth before he began nipping at the straps of her lingerie with his teeth. He gently pulled each one off of her shoulders and left a trail of kisses across her freckled chest. Leanne let out a soft moan as he continued to tease her and take his time removing her outfit. Finally.


End file.
